A New Season

It feels like we have become empty nesters all over again! The role of caregiver to an adult parent is a tenuous situation--giving orders, holding the line for responsibility and/or change and keeping tabs on her/him is so unnatural. Our culture doesn't give enough respect to the elderly but, given the opportunity to have authority over them puts a child under an emotional strain.

We are parents and know the problems all parents experience: pride, disappointment; new life, early death; when to push and when hands-off is best. But we are ill equipped to know when and how to prod a stubborn parent to eat or good to bed when tired. Being stubborn from a child is normal; defiance from a parent, well, could raise the ugly head of revenge in the child. That's a lot of responsibility for anyone to have!

Today Dave's mom was ushered back to Kansas City to join an Alzheimer's Unit of others who need more specialized care than can be given by a child and other family. We dropped Mom and Nancy at the Sacramento airport and left to return home to pack for our move. However, upon encouragement from Nancy, we decided to give our freedom a test. We turned around and went to the IKEA store, IHOP, McDonald's and Home Depot--never giving a thought to going home in case Mom needed us or was acting out with the hired caregiver. I'm afraid I acted selfishly and even childishly; however, the emotional freedom was heady.

I don't understand it but I did experience again that same feeling I did when the last child went to college. My life is my life again! But there is a nagging thought, "Is that true?" And, in truth, I realize that it is just another change. We still have those whose lives we touch everyday. So, because God is in charge of our lives, we desire that our lives will be a conduit for His love to reach more people than just our family. We are not in charge of our lives whether raising children, taking care of elderly parents, or visiting our neighbors.

Found a Home!

Well, the house hunting did turn up something definitely acceptable! We looked at 6 places last weekend and I looked at one during the week. It came down to where I would feel most comfortable for the times I am by myself. That turned out to be a 2 bedroom, 1 1-1/2 bath, 2 story condo in the middle of Modesto. It seems that most of the residents are older so no big partying in the complex. I think there will be a feeling of safety and comfort. It will be a real challenge to pack lots of "stuff" away that I have had, at least, available.

We're going to have to store lots of stuff including some of Mom's furniture. That will definitely be useful and we'll truck it back to the Midwest later in the year. Kelli and Nancy will be here over "President's weekend" helping to sort and pack. It is always easier to pack away or give away someone else's stuff so I'm hoping they will do that for me.

Well, the Lord did come through with a great place to live and, hopefully, give me strength to get it all packed so we can move in the 26th. For some reason, I seem to have difficulty getting the body in gear and, since the mind isn't in gear either, there's nothing to do, right? Oh well, there may be only this move and the last one to the East. Next time, I may pay someone to pack for me ;o} .

If I have the energy, I'll post again after the move...

The Family Split-Up

Well, the time has come for us to split up. Mom is going back to Kansas City after a long two years in California. Her disease has progressed to point that we really can't care for her like she needs. With both of us working and Dave out of town all week, we just found that she needs more interaction with people.

For the past couple of months we have had a lady (sometimes accompanied by her boyfriend) come to spend 2-3 hrs in the afternoon with Mom. A benefit was that Cathy wanted to learn to cook so, she also cooked dinner for us all. I planned the meals, shopped and provided the recipes and she had dinner ready when I got home. I loved it!

Now, one week of the status quo left and it's kind of scary that it has arrived so quickly! Knowing an event is coming and being prepared for it are SO different. Come to think of it, that's the way it all started. 1) We found out Mom was out of money and we had 2 weeks to move her. 2) We found the perfect house. 3) Our friends helped us move in on Saturday and 4) Mom arrived on Tuesday.

The next new abode can be found just as quickly and end up just as perfect. The Lord told me it would be a stressful time but He thought we were equal to the challenge. We looked at a 3-bdrm duplex today. The master was barely big enough to hold our (king size) bed! It is all on the same level though. A good thing for old people... We will go tomorrow to look at other places and get started packing -- again.

We both really love the house we've been in--the layout, the pool, the yard, the fruit trees, the roses--but know the Lord will provide something good as a replacement. The kids will probably come one last time this spring before we leave California for the Eastern environs. It would be great to have a place big enough for them to stay with us.

In a way this change is sad. Mom has changed so much over these 2 years and I think that has been one of the sources of our difficulties with her. The (mental) person she has become is not the person she used to be. And, we have found that those disappointed expectations are such a part of living together and put a heavy strain on our relationship.

We are all on the threshold of a new season in our lives and what it holds is yet to be seen! Scary and thrilling all at the same time; I want it to be over so we know the outcome yet also know the need to go through it--ups and downs--so we can TOTALLY enjoy the end. I'll let you know how it works out...